Rai's doing great so far today (knock on wood). We've finally figured out when he has lunch and his afternoon nap (only 2 hours after breakfast since his bedtime and breakfast were so much later than they are now), so he's fast asleep and moving a lot less. He's a bit slow to make eye contact and doesn't like to be touched by anyone but us (and not even us when he's sleepy). This is normal and will take some time until he settles in.
I'm awaiting our social worker's response on our update to see if we should back off from any recent changes (i.e. slowly changing from Korean food to basic baby foods/easy to chew solids). We're excited for our first post-placement meeting where she can evaluate how he's bonding and adjusting and make recommendations for a smooth transition. Everything has gone well so far, so we are keeping our fingers crossed that he'll continue to grieve at his own pace and let us into his life a little each day.
It's normal for any child to grieve, so we're being patient. It looks like eye contact and letting us get closer to him as he falls asleep will be the biggest part since he's so energetic. We did take the advice from many Holt families and watched how his foster mother handled him, but much of the sensory bonding (i.e. rubbing his back as he falls asleep) will just take time. That's fine! We're thrilled with how well he has adjusted thus far!
Important Request
We're still awaiting our social worker's response before we open the floodgates of visitors (and we still need time to unpack and rest up), but we have an important request as everyone gradually meets Rai:
1. Help Us Bond With Him
Attachment and bonding is a difficult process in adoption since birth families are able to develop this bonding process slowly over time. Many adoptive families refer to this process through the amount of time they have been together (i.e. 17 months old, 3 days as a family). Some families have a "no hold" policy where non-parents are asked to not hold the new baby. This doesn't exactly apply to Rai since it's difficult to hold any 17 month old that can run. :-) We do ask that you help us bond with him. The primary ways we are bonding with him are through eye contact (i.e. during play, diaper changes, bath time, going to sleep, feeding, etc.) and physical touch (especially when he is sleepy).
He's very shy at first but is quick to open up to strangers after even a few minutes. We need him to stay close to us exclusively until he know who we are to him. We have to keep telling ourselves that although he appears to be quite bonded to us, he only met us less than a week ago and already allows us to care for him with little complaint.
2. Let Us Do the Dirty Work
Not that anyone would want to change his diaper or get in the way of the catapulted food, but even if it is tempting, leave it to us. We're certainly not experienced parents, but we're learning together (all three of us). So much of the bonding process relies on eye contact and touch which both of these activities provide.
3. Shy: Coping or Personality?
We're still learning his personality, so we can't answer this question just yet. He does seem to be shy in groups of new people but is quick to run around and giggle quickly thereafter. In any case, just give him some time to open up to you. Many adoption books and people have explained several things to us that certainly makes sense. An internationally adopted child needs time to adjust to new smells, new visual surroundings, new food, new types of toys, a new language, and certainly new people.
4. No Big Groups or Parties
Most experts suggest that an internationally adopted child needs about 6 months of adjustment time for bonding with new parents and becoming comfortable in his or her new surroundings. Although many people have said that this sounds a bit long, we can certainly understand why. Children are creatures of habit (as many of us are), and these habits do not change over night. We want to give Rai at least 6 months before any massive arrival parties. Instead, we'll plan on having a big 2nd birthday party in November and have everyone over. We won't ignore big groups altogether (i.e. family reunions), but we just want to make these decisions on a case by case basis. You're more than welcome to come by and see him (just call or email first, so we can plan around naps). As we said, he does great in small groups or with individuals.
These are just a few things we've noticed so far. We may add or adjust these as we go, so please be patient with us. We only want what is best for this little guy.
Fun Fact About Rai!
Future Soccer Player?
Well he certainly loves to kick balls around the house! There aren't any scheduled soccer games early enough for him to attend, but I have a feeling he might like to watch Daddy play soccer sometime and help him warm up before the game.
Future Musician or Dancer?
The 3-key piano we brought to Korea was a bit hit until he found the Baby (toddler) Baby Grand at home. And he bounces and dances to a CD and DVD his foster mother gave us in Korea. The first day home, I put in the CD, and 40 minutes later, he stopped and let out a big breath. Too cute!
Pictures Since We've Been Home
Look at those dance moves!
Tired guys
And a big THANK YOU to our friends and family who have brought meals, given clothes/toys (he's got plenty now!), and just come to say Hi! We could not have done this without everyone's help! I was so thankful that my parents picked up some shoes in Rai's size before we arrived home. He's already worn both pair on his afternoons out! And THANK YOU to Aaron's parents for bringing food this weekend and helping to clean up the house! Our house was a disaster with suitcases everywhere. And Rai's certainly fond of his grandparents, aunt, and uncle! Thank you again for everything!
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